FrostLightningX

I've been wanting to tell something but when I decide to do that, I just forget how to properly explain this all. I'll try my best...

The thing is, I've been suffering from depression and have been dead on the inside over the years, and it's time that I let out one of the things that make me this way. That's nothing strange, a lot of people have been through depression. However...
Has anybody ever met a sane person who gets upset over the character design change? No, only complete idiots can be like that? Well, I don't even know where to begin with this one. 

Back in late 2012, or early 2013, I found a character known as ''Ray the Flying Squirrel''. There was something about how I saw myself in him like he was created for me, especially considering the fact that I have a REALLY hard time trying to find what I truly adore, and what is ''for me'', I've spent a lifetime doing research on stuff like movies, comics, series, games (that one was always my favorite aspect), etc. and I never manage to find anything that fulfills me (and don't give me that ''there's a big difference between what appeals to you and what is objectively better'', that shit is dead to me). Not to mention that I never even had a proper role model before that. Even back then, I was depressed, dead on the inside, flawed, capable of making awkward moments, and I really hated myself and secretly believed that I deserve all the crap, my self-confidence, and self-esteem were non-existent.

As for what made me adore Ray the Flying Squirrel so much, other than his relatable and interesting personality, and the fact that he was based on one of my favorite animals, the one thing I definitely liked most about him was his design, which is mostly a little detail that really works, that detail was just a single accessory. And yes, I really thought the blue jacket REALLY worked, made Ray's design unique and made him stand out from the rest of the cast (in a good way), and it was overall VERY appealing for the eyes (especially with his color scheme, it was just so well balanced). There was something about all that, that woke me up on the inside, made me have a will to become better, and just overall inspired me. But all good things must come to an end ASAP, and yes, getting rid of it was a huge mistake, and I'm not gonna pretend like it's not. That was the moment when I realized that it is forbidden for me to experience happiness and that there's no place for me at all, that I'm trying all in vain.

But the problem with the design was that he looked like a Tails clone which has led to change of the design in the first place, that just adds insult to injury with me constantly getting told that what I like is ''objectively bad'' (and Sonic was already in a questionable state, but this just made me quit), though he already was a Tails clone no matter how you turn it out (which is why I made my own redesign in the first place). What makes me sad even more is that everybody loves the new design and hate the one I like the most, and are absolutely happy that the change happened, while I'm the one who, once again, has to live under everyone's shadow (seriously, I feel like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. It's not even the first time I got ''owned'', don't even get me started on that, as it is very common for me). Believe me, when I saw that redesign for the first time, I forced myself to like it, and to be ''objective'', but I was only making a fool of myself like it is the only thing that I'm capable of. I even tried to ignore that video games exist and tried to find more interest in different things, but I was only lying to myself, and I just can't do that anymore.

Not to mention that I find it hypocritical how other people who know about Ray praise the new design as ''the real redesign'' and bash the design with blue jacket because he ''looks too much like Tails'' but completely ignore that this existed vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/ar… as well as Tails' design in Sonic Boom (I know this one came afterward but still...). I even had to stop searching for fanart of my ''favorite'' fictional character just to avoid getting triggered and reminded of how when there are good things, they have nothing to do with me. I mean, there's tons of good art featuring the design I can't even look at anymore, and even a clean 3D model! All because the big-name people and more vocal parts of the community disapprove of something that means a lot to me. I know that everyone has their taste and choice of art, that I can't and shouldn't force anyone to have the same views I have, but it just makes me sad that society has the power to kill what makes me happy just like that. I guess there will always be an excuse as to why I'll always be on the losing side.

And no, I do not choose to feel bad (as some would say). In fact, I spent years trying to find my source of negativity and make some peace and moments for myself but always fail. Instead, it's only a matter of time when or how will I look shittier and shittier. I constantly face negative thoughts every day and it seems that I can't stop this (I swear, if getting triggered and stressed was a job, I'd be the richest person in the world).

I understand that I'm different, but does that really have to mean that there's no place for me? There are too many terrible things happening in real life that we have no choice but to accept, but there's no way to find peace even in media? Does everything really have to be a competition, a constant war, even when it really shouldn't be, is this what reality is about? You know you're pathetic when you wish that what made you happy never existed, and that is nothing new in my life, just something I have to accept because reality is like that. I can only wonder what's next... I really hope there's a good afterlife waiting for me, I really do, because only then I will be able to be what I want to be.

The point is: I just REALLY don't want things that make me happy and mean a lot to me to die, and I'm very sick and tired of how they have to carry the bad name just because the society said so. Not to mention that I'm just so desperate to experience some joy and satisfaction ASAP, I really need energy and will power, and I can't stay dead on the inside forever. But I don't even know what can I do about it...

There, I said it, go ahead and shame me...

The title says it all.

When I was a kid I remember having 3 weird nightmares that were scary back then, but now I find the last 2 quite funny:

It was some sort of a virtual reality world where the area was outside a small red mall and the place was filled with plants and dark grey rocks with some weird textures. I was chased by one kid who turned into a green robot(similar to Crusher from Rise of the Robots and green Rahkshi from Bionicle). I had this one when I was like 6 years old so I don't remember much.

Me and my cousin were in a bank waiting for someone. There were many people and surveillance cameras. Suddenly a something 30's style robber(striped shirt, robin-like mask, you get the idea...) entered and was like ,,HA! HA! HA! I AM THE THIEF! HA! HA! HA! I AM GONNA ROB YOU ALL! HA! HA! HA! THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS AREN'T WORKING! HA! HA! HA!''. Kinda like Daniel Day Lewis overacting.

I was in aqua park with some other kids and then the group of maniacs entered and started chasing us. One of them had a Che Guevara look-a-like, he was wearing a cap and teal vest and had a gun. Had voice similar to Ajs Nigrutin(a silly serbian rapper), I guess, I don't really remember. He said ,,HI, I AM THAT GUY IN A TEAL VEST AND I WILL KILL YOU ALL NOW!''. They were chasing us and when I jumped in a pool and couldn't get out. I saw a bullet going slowly through water. He said ,,AHA, NOW I KNOW HOW TO SHOOT UNDERWATER!''.

I also remember a weird dream about a slow rock/rap/punk song where the singer looked kinda similar to Brock Lesnar. He was singing about how he was going to eat a corn.

One where there was a Hindu or Shaolin monk waking around the world and singing Caramelldansen.

This character:   Except he looked like Garland(from Final Fantasy) with a red cape, so I had to redesign him.

And I often had one where I'm going through some sort of a temple in a jungle. In the end, there was a waterfall and a cyan pipe that was like a bridge. I had this dream until I was 16 I guess.

In Nostalgia Critic's review of ,,The Last Airbender'' there was a scene(in the movie) where one waterbender was in a deserted fire nation library and said ,,What a shitty ass fucking library.'' And NC was like WTF and for some reason he put this quote in Ridley Scott's Alien in a scene where one character was exploring the spaceship.

I don't remember whether this one was a video game or a show but the setting was high fantasy. One humanoid beast character was escaping from a dungeon, he was fighting against the undead and other creatures. When he escaped he got caught by an army of evil female elves. Their queen said ,,kill that badger'' and the army charged. The beast man managed to defeat or pass them(I don't remember how) and the queen got very mad because of this. Then one of her warriors approached and told her something wise(I don't remember what she said). The queen's expression was calm, she was slowly walking towards her warrior and slapped her in face.

One where we never realized that Power Rangers(or Super Sentai or Kamen Rider or any tokusatsu show) piss their pants every time they fight monsters. And I was in their studio searching for the toilet, but couldn't find it. Suddenly I found the door that had ,,EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'' written on and I thought that this is what they shout when they pee.

A bad/really weird modern cartoon that had art style similar to most modern cartoons on Cartoon Network. There was a green field with 4 somewhat-futuristic grayish green towers, then a garden where one maniac was chasing a kid with a wooden hammer and they were both happy like they were playing a game or something like that. But the main plot was about 3 idiots who somehow got stuck on a wooden fence.

Series of animated shorts about fishes. There were 4 characters: a group of 3 sea creatures and one sea creature that was like an outcast or something. I can't remember what was the main plot but during the closing credits where we should see the word ,,credits'' or ,,cast'', there was ,,the fish who made this'' instead.

A fantasy theme park on a mountain where one game was inside something that looks like a magical temple. In here, I was fighting against holograms of goblins (that looked similar to Blix from Ridley Scott's ,,The Legend'') and a hooded witch.

Not sure if this one was a nightmare. Here I was watching a movie/show where a fat businessman was inside a mountain(that was supposed to represent hell, I guess) and was going through random messed up crap. Then he got tied on an iron table and suddenly this scary figure appeared. He was tall and looked like what would happen if Joker(Heath Ledger version) and Freddy Krueger had a child. He licked his blood and cheese filled spatula and was just about to torture and kill him. Suddenly Jessica Jones appeared behind and opposed him(the killer) like they had some sort of relationship in the past. My another weird ,,nightmare'' was about a horror movie actor. His name was Eddy Rhetta(I guess) and he literally looked like a creepy doll. His acting was so good and he was so critically acclaimed that there were rumors about him being a serial killer.

For the past few years I've been having dreams where I'm in some sort of place that is like a mix between our world and world in Megaman X:

2 where Me, my brother, and one childhood friend were X, Zero, and Axl. In one we were fighting inside a pink tower against a boss that looked similar to X, but was brown and was using a junk shield as a weapon. In another one there was a level that looked like a giant mechanical blue wheel inside a forest.


This:  Read the description.
This(not in MMX world thing):   Read description too.

Another one where there was Anime inspired European action animated show about futuristic Russian soldiers in power armors blowing shit up. The theme song was in English(I guess) but in the end the singer said ,,diktator, profesor...'' in Russian accent.

Then I had a nightmare where llamas became a major threat to humanity.

That's all for now.
(Sorry if I failed at grammar)